Searching for a Meaning

Where do you want me to go from here?

I saw you today for the first time in a long time. I didn't know what to say to you. Possibilities ran through my mind but each one seemed worse than the last. But I didn't need to worry after all I guess. You never even noticed that I was there. Which makes me wonder: was it all just a joke to you then? All those times in the past? Did you ever really care? I thought that somehow things would change. And that maybe the two of us could at least act civilized towards one another. But I see that it is too late for that now. You no longer care - so I guess I shouldn't either.

But for us, it's been two and a half years and I still can't let go. How did you do it? How can you, of all people forget so easily? All those times that I was there for you, when others weren't. The times you were there for me. The time that we spent together. How could you put all those things away, in a corner where no one can find?

I guess that people really do change with time. Maybe it was you who changed. Maybe it was me. Either way, I realize that nothing in life is worth brooding over for this long - especially for two years. It might have been nice for you to give me some notice - because those are two years I'll never get back. If you think that is how you want to live your life, then so be it. I guess the two of us have moved on. Just don't expect acknowledgment next time. Because I certainly don't expect it from you.

Saying sorry...

I wonder what it is that makes us special. Or was it because I was the only one who thought that way. Then in that case, I am sorry. Sorry for not seeing the truth. Sorry for being so persistent. Sorry for existing. Is that what you finally wanted me to admit? Well then I guess you've won. I hope you're happy - I know I am. Sometimes life takes me to a point where I just don't care anymore. I think this is one of those points. So goodbye forever. I know I won't be coming back. You don't have to find me or seek me out to apologize. Because I already forgive you for what you've done. I just hope I learn from this.

...

Questions are always easy to ask. It is the answering of them that is difficult. Well okay that isn't true for a lot of questions one can ask. But many that spring up are impossible to answer - maybe simply because we cannot comprehend it.
Everyday I look back and ask myself why I made the choices I did. Some are relatively easy - because it was the right thing to do, because it was to help someone else. But there are also other choices that aren't so easy to associate a reason with. Those are the ones that haunt me the most. And they still do to this day. I have carried many choices out through my life - some I regret and some I do not. I am sure many have felt this way. Looking back on it now I realize how I really feel. So I really have been lying to myself. (laughs) I can't believe it took me a whole year to realize it. And it only took you a split second. So I am wondering if it was my fault or was it because you were completely leading me on and I was too blinded to see it. Either way I have accepted the consequences. I guess that is two years of my life I will never get back.
Life doesn't make it easy for individuals to make tough decisions. But I guess that is the reason why the saying is "Nobody's perfect". Making mistakes is hard and it can be painful. But the real experience comes from when you finally admit that it is no longer a burden upon your shoulders and that there is nothing you can do to fix it/ take it back. I guess that is how I feel now.
Acknowledgement of that fact took me so long but if there was any other way I wouldn't have done it any different. Being where I was...it allowed me to learn how to protect myself better, to not get led on by illusions. So thank you for helping me to fi ally see what I couldn't for a while. Maybe that's the only good memory that I'll hold of you for now - I've destroyed the rest. Whether you know of it - or not.

(untitled)

What does time really mean anymore? Does anyone ever have enough time? 24 hours isn't enough for anything anymore. How long is it going to take for me to accept the fact that it's gone...that it's never going to come back? Not 24 hours that's for sure. I've been lying to myself about this issue for the past year. And I still am. I don't know when I started. It could have been when I first met you. Or maybe when the bond between us started to fray. But the question of when isn't that important. The question that I want the answer to is "Why?". Why did we grow apart? Why is the bond broken? And more importantly, why am I so stupid? I kept telling myself lies to make myself feel better. I hoped that by doing so the scars would heal and that I could move on. I guess not. It's too entangled in my heart I guess, much like ivy entangles around a building, unwilling to let go. I wish that I could finally admit to myself that it's over so that I could move on. But it's hard to - it's like I would lose a good two years of my life. I hope that one day I can move on - just like you have in a split second. But until then I can only hope that time will keep going.

:)

The start of a three day weekend :)

Just took the SAT today...wasn't as bad as I thought. Hopefully I did well :D

Err...i still got so much hw to do -__- bah. better start working on it then >-<

errr...

blah. again i don't blog -__- gah. unfortunately i have so much work these days that i barely have time to eat. sigh. i wish that i didn't have to go thru junior year. why did i take so many AP courses? i wasn't in my right mind when i filled out that course request sheet. i swear. at the moment i am working on my ap english essay. >-< gah. and i've got a lot more stuff to do as well...

better get working on it D:

it doesn't end

It's day 2. And the fun just doesn't stop. Just kidding. There's nothing fun about school. Especially when the word HOMEWORK comes into play. Sigh.
Well I have to cut this a bit short today since I have an English paper to write. Oh the joy.

the first day. of hell.

Today was the very first day of my junior year. I entered my school with a sense of optimism that I would FINALLY be an upperclassman. I really looked forward to junior year. Ha. By the time school ended for me which was around 2:50 pm, I was tired and cranky. Not only did I get a pile of homework probably taller than me, ALL my teachers had to give me heavy textbooks to carry around. (Unfortunately our administration works too slowly so we get no lockers until later this week.) By the end of the day, I was carrying textbooks in precalculus, AP US History, and French Honors. Pleasant no? It didn't help matters that I got 4 AP US books and 4 French Honors books. Oh the joy. I swear that it was an endurance challenge on one of those reality shows. "Let's load all the kids up with heavy texts and see who can last the longest!!!"
Yup that is exactly what it felt like. Our lockers cannot come soon enough.

However let's look at the bright side of things now shall we? All of my classes were quite enjoyable I must say. Except for the large amounts of homework that I should be plowing through instead of blogging. (Shh don't tell anyone :D) All my teachers are super fun for the most part. With some exceptions as per usual. Overall it is shaping up to be an enjoyable yet tiring junior year. I will have more updates as the week goes on but until then -- I have an AP English paper to write. Wish me luck :)

last hours of freedom ...

Today is Sunday August 15th. Tomorrow is Monday August 16th. And what does that mean???

School .... Yay?

I'm just kidding. I love school if it wasn't for the beginning of junior year where everything starts to count and if you fail you're screwed sort of atmosphere. Yeah not pleasant. It's already the end of summer. The last HOURS of freedom are slipping through my hands. Very quickly I might add. Seeing the word 'hours' in the last sentence makes me sad. Three months ago we were counting days. Now we're counting hours. Ugh. But seriously my summer was super fun in a sense. How about everyone else's? :)

Though next summer for me will be NOT as pleasant. I don't even want to digress into THAT topic.

Anyways enough on my ranting on the short lifespan of summer. Today I had my very first SAT class. :D Whoo hoo! (trumpets in the background). Sure. I mean it wasn't completely as bad as I thought. Yes the class is monotonous - going over question after question and technique after technique. But I admit it was pretty helpful. Just another 5 weeks of this. Then the actual test. Oh boy. BUT I learned quite a few things.

1. SAT is commonly known as the Stupid A------ Test :) [Fill in any word starting with A that you like :D Pick a word any word!!]

2. ETS, the people who make the SATs to torture us innocent students with is more commonly known as the Evil Testing Satans. :O (Now we all know why so many kids get the dreams crushed from low scores :P)
{Just kidding :)}

Best lessons of the day. xD

Anyhoo I have got a LOT of SAT prep work to get going on. And prepping for the first day of junior year. Byes :)

after eons of NOT blogging :)

HA! I'M BACK. :P After like 4 months of not blogging. Eesh - I am horrible at this. I actually have a LOT to fill everyone in on. But I'm too tired at the moment to. It's 10:33 pm on my end here in awesome Cali. Which means sleep time for me. :D Good night everyone. I promise I will have a SUPER loooonnnnggg entry tomorrow. Or maybe Monday. :)